But enough of that. The other thing that's really making me feel just off is how unsettled and out of place I feel because of our whole house-selling, house-building situation. We've been at this two years total now. And for what? Nothing - nothing to show for it but a total of three realtors and a lot of frustration because no one can seem to sell our house. A lot of frustration. The new house is no longer "ours" - it's been listed for sale and put into the MLS system. I don't want to give up on that house, but we sort of have no choice now. If our current house sells, we can always go and buy that house if it's still on the market. But the chances of our house selling in this terrible economy is pretty much nill. Our house is still on the market - but we don't have much hope. We had decided in September to keep it on the market, trying a new realtor, to see what would happen. Nothing has happened. We've had a total of maybe three showings since September, but no leads. We have a showing scheduled for this weekend, but I'm not putting much hope into it.
I feel like we can't fully live and be settled and just be, because we're in this constant state of "if". "If" our house sells then maybe we can buy the new house "if" the new house isn't sold yet but "if" it is sold then we'll have to decide where else we want to live and "if" we can't get into another house right away then we're going to have to do a double move and live in an apartment but that's a pretty big "if" that our house will even sell in the next four months because it's winter, it's the holidays, it's gray and dark outside, our realtor isn't very good at marketing it, and we are just cursed to live in that house forever. Har-umph.
And another thing: I'm feeling a whole heaping load of GUILT about not being with the girls during the day. Ever so often I'm hit with the "working mom guilt" and I think what brought it up this time is that last week, I was home with the girls Mon-Wed and I had a great time. It was so easy. We relaxed, we played, we had fun. We were all sick, but we still had a good time. When I got back to work last Thursday it was a shock to my system and I really started questioning if I wanted to be a working mom anymore. Most days I do, but the culmination of not really enjoying said job and the fact that it would just be plain FUN to stay at home with the girls, makes me question if I want to still work. But I know that I do, and right now unless we did some serious dumping of some of our luxuries, we can't afford for me to stay at home. But it's days like these, where I am so unmotivated to do anything, that I can't help but want to just be at home, playing Little Einsteins Bingo and Barbies with the girls and making them peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwiches for lunch.